NOTE TO OWNERS: POST THIS VERY LOW on the refrigerator door -
at snout height.
Dear Dogs and/or Cats,
First, the dishes with the paw
prints on them are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and
contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate
of food does not stake a claim for it - becoming your food and dish, nor do I
find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
Next, the stairway
was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom
is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I will fall faster than you
can run.
Next item. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am
very sorry about this. Do not think, I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they
sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched
out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails
straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space
is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit
from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the
door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or
get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit
through the same door I entered. You know, I have been using the bathroom for
years, and, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
Proper 'kissing' behavior: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or
cat's butt. I cannot
stress this enough!
And Stay Out of the Refrigerator!
You may think these rules are unfair, so to pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the
following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit
& Complain About Our Pets.
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you
don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why
they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like
most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak
clearly.
Something else for non-owners to consider! Dogs and cats are better than kids because
they:
1. Eat less.
2. Don't ask for money all the time.
3. Are easier
to train.
4. Usually come when called.
5. Never drive your car.
6. Don't
hang out with drug-using friends.
7. Don't smoke or drink.
8. Don't worry
about having to buy the latest fashions.
9. Don't wear your clothes.
10.
Don't need a gazillion dollars for college.
11. And if they get pregnant, you
can sell their children...
So my dear pets: Have a great day, and please don't throw up on
the white living room rug!
